Recipe For a Meaningful Repair

When faced with everyday stresses, even fully developed adult brains, with their prefrontal cortexes able to self-regulate, empathize, problem-solve, and plan for the future, can be swept away by waves of emotional reaction. One difficult time with our child might cause a well of worry or frustration to burst to the surface. If our child is testing limits or experiencing emotional distress, we may react with less patience than we'd want, raising our voices, taking their actions personally, or being critical.

We all have those days... We're running late, the kids are moving like snails, traffic hits, they wanted the strawberry poptarts instead of the cinnamon ones, you haven't eaten, you have a big day of work ahead, so on and so forth.

And you know what we do, we react. We raise our voice or we yell or we don't validate they are upset about their poptart or their outfit. Later that day we look back and aren't totally proud of how we reacted. We all have those days and moments that we are at our wits end and flip our lid - whether it's on our partner or our children. Guess what? It happens. It's OKAY.

When describing the process of recovering from an inexcusably rash lapse in judgment, Daniel Siegel, Clinical Professor of Psychology and author of many popular books such as The Whole-Brained Child and my personal favorite, The Power of Showing Up, uses the term "rupture and repair."

Fractures, he explains, occur whenever a parent and child's nurturing relationship is severed. Reassuringly, he adds that cracks are always present, but some are much more poisonous, influential, and devastating than others. Like individuals, relationships can be stretched without breaking.

The big kicker here is that we are able to not only acknowledge that we reacted improperly, but we also explain that to our children. If we want them to grow up and learn how to apologize (repair), we have to model how to do that.

Rupture and Repair

Inevitably, we are going to miss opportunities to support our children back into safety. Inevitably, we are going to be too stressed (unable to self-regulate) to co-regulate with our child. In these situations we are working together to equate rupture with safety: even mistakes are safe and we can recover from them. From this sense of safety we engage in the art of repair.

Like all else in this process, forgiveness starts from within. When you can access authentic self-apology and forgiveness, you will anchor yourself in internal safety. Only then will your apology to your child “land” in a way that balances their inner disequilibrium, and supports and repairs your relationship. After a mistake, as soon as you can, engage in this self-apology process. You can do it in your head, or you can write it down. There are benefits to both processes.

How to Self-Apologize in order to gain inner safety and peace.

1. Name what happened.

2. Name how you feel about what happened.

3. Name what you felt before you reacted.

4. Name what need was not being met for you.

5. Name how your mistake impacted your child (feelings and needs).

6. Make a commitment for next time.

7. Forgive. Let yourself know that you deserve forgiveness, and ruptures are an opportunity to reconnect.

Example: Tonight I screamed really loudly at my child to get in bed, instead of supporting them gently. I had really aggressive body language. I feel disappointed and heartbroken about what happened. Before I screamed, I felt desperate and exhausted. I was needing support and rest. My child became very frightened and started to cry, making bedtime even longer. Their need for respect, gentleness and safety was dishonored. Next time, I will notice my body’s cues of stress and engage my ANCHOR, and stop before I scream. Even though I’m sad, I deserve forgiveness. I forgive myself for being human and missing an opportunity to be gentle and kind.

Recipe for a Meaningful Repair

1. Connect

2. Ask consent

3. I imagine that you’re feeling ________

4. Because of my choice to ____________

5. I regret how I ________, because it caused you to___________

6. In the future, I’ll do my best to __________

7. Here’s what I’ll do right now (my calming strategies) _________

8. For now, would it support you if __________

Notice how we are not asking for forgiveness. The child gets to take their time. There is no urgency to fix the mistake. The child regaining safety through our modeling of self-accountability is the goal.

Example:

“Hi sweetie, is it okay if I come into your room? Whatcha working on? I was hoping to apologize for what happened earlier today; are you open to that?

Ok, thank you. I imagine you are feeling a bit confused about what happened this morning, because of how I became very stressed and screamed at you? I regret how I lost control, because it caused you harm. You became very stressed too, and shut down. We were hoping for a smooth morning, but then it became very tense. Next time, I’m going to get everything ready BEFORE the morning, that way I’m not rushing. That will help me stay calm. For now, would it be okay if I gave you a big hug? I love you, and I am going to keep trying to be your safe place.”

The beauty of the rupture and repair cycle is that it can help children learn to cope with difficult emotions inside the safety and comfort of a loving relationship, which is especially important in a world where frustration and stress are unavoidable. When a parent apologizes sincerely, they teach their child an invaluable lesson in bouncing back from an apology. In addition, it demonstrates that one can commit mistakes and still love someone unconditionally. In the end, when the cracks aren't too deep (no chronic abuse or neglect) and the fixes aren't too time-consuming, a parent's flaws can actually strengthen their child and prepare them for maturity.

* If you are struggling with the "Rupture and Repair" process with your child or partner, there may be some more underlying topics to dig deeper into.

• Our unresolved issues from childhood
• Our shame (resulting in excessive concern about the opinion of others)
• Our guilt at own emotional experience (ie, anger or irritation)
• Our desire to “move on” as if the rupture had never occurred

Many times we TRY but we just physically, emotionally and/or mentally can't. I can't tell you how many times I've heard someone say "I struggle with telling my kids I'm sorry because my parents never told me they were sorry." or "They're fine, they're playing and over it, why do I need to apologize now?" Those times typically occur when we have past traumas or issues to work through. There are many people like myself and my colleagues to reach out to in order to make sure that how these situations are handled are the BEST way in your power for your child's brain development.

If you have any questions about Rupture and Repair, please feel free to reach out.

Emily Ray

Rayofsunshineparenting@gmail.com